Graceful is Not my Middle Name

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This is just a short random little post. I had a laughable evening Tuesday night & thought I’d share. If you live in Collinsville, Martin, that area of the country/neck of the woods then you know that around 7ish the power went out. Well…I hate having no power for the obvious reasons but I discovered on Tuesday night that I need lights. Badly. Because without them, I’m a hazard to myself.

I was just minding my own business, all curled up in my chair, intently focused on an episode of “The Vampire Diaries” & everything just cut off. Well nertz! I was pretty into what I was watching but I figured it would just flicker & pop back on. It did not do that. It stayed off. So I meandered up the stairs to get the two whole candles we have left in the house because everything else is either A) already in Virginia or B) trapped in a box. I read for a little bit & then it started to get dim – I realized that two candles just weren’t going to cut it & I went for the big guns. The oil lanterns!

This was a real deal oil lantern – not a dorky knockoff with a fake wick like the ones on the left. I would have been much safer with the ones on the left. I had these delusions of reading a book curled up by the lantern, much like the pioneers of old. Let me assure you – had I been a pioneer, they would have booted me from the settlement because I cannot handle lighting an oil lantern without causing a disaster. I’m just that talented folks.

I sat that lantern on the desk & popped off the little glass globe. I turned the wick up, but not too high & lit the lantern. Ah! Fire. Soft, glowing light. I turned the wick down a bit & carefully settled the glass globe back on the top of the lantern – making sure it was secured in all 4 prong holder thingys. I picked it up & made my way across the living room to settle my lantern on the table & myself in the chair. I was so crafty & smooth – I lit this lantern & now I’m gonna sit & read in the chair. Go me! Ha ha! I amuse myself sometimes.

As I lean forward to deposit the lantern on the table, the fire alarm starts shrieking. In a state of total shock at this sudden loud noise in the growing dark of the room, I jerk upward with the oil lantern still in my hands. The glass globe on the top wobbles & then….in what was both slow motion & fast forward all at the same time, falls into the floor with a crash. It shattered into a million pieces, of course. And then – pop! The power cuts back on.

Thank heavens the power cut back on when it did, because obviously I am not capable of handling things in the dark. I set off alarms, I shatter glass…it is a miracle I didn’t completely drop the lantern. And could you just imagine that? Oil & glass everywhere, possibly flames… I mean, it would have been the kind of fail that ranks at the top of the epic scale. I got the glass all cleaned up & the candles squared away, climbed back into the middle of the chair & turned my show back on. I figured at that point, I should just stay put. It seemed the safest option. Because my middle name isn’t grace for a reason. 🙂

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